I was bored and wrote this on another forum.
I now post it here for fun, since I probably won't be back for a while.
Volume 1
We of the human race are being watched down on by an almost infinite number of creatures. These creatures watch us, and because they live so much longer than us they see us as if we were in slow motion. And they bet on who is going to be next to die. These creatures are called sploogles. A sploogle is small, black and shiny and has between six and thirty-five limbs. Limbs can be changed between sploogles and are a kind of currency. However they cannot remove their base six. Some hoard great store-rooms of limbs to bet upon the earth-death game.
The sploogles greatest enemies are the claranticles. A claranticle is a huge creature; up to 8 inches tall. (To a sploogle, this is huge) They are a militant activist movement that want to shut down Earth and release the prisoners (us) into the wild (the middle of deep space)
They're grasp of biology is so slim they don't understand this will kill us all instantly. The only reason they fail in their goal is that they are vastly outnumbered by the sploogles.
In fact there are only five of them.
Now, the Prapple race is something altogether more sinister. Rather resembling giant flattened interstellar tooth-brushes; they cruise through space and devour small planets. They then excrete radioactive space-dust which can harm both sploogles and claranticles. Quite apart from this is the fact the sploogles and the claranticle quite often live upon the planets being eaten.
And prapples don't smell very nice either.
This has led to the forming of an alliance to cull the giant beasts, by poisoning planets with Wormhole juice.
Most people don't know this but worm-holes in space are actually vast creatures. They like to boast to passers-by about the size of their gardens and the prettiness of their window-boxes*. They excrete wormhole juice onto their gardens and window-boxes because it helps plants grow. However it is deadly poisonous to animals, even those as large as the prapples.
Poisoned planets are often inhabited and claranticles will quite often poison the sploogles worlds "by accident". This leads to wars
Wars are not fought as we would think. They consist of standing in front of your enemy and making "parp" noises until they yield. Needless to say neither side ever does, so wars can go on for years, until both sides get bored and go home for a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit.
*why they have window-boxes is unknown as they don't have windows. They believe windows to be the spawn of their version of the devil, the pinstriplet
Enjoy, or not.
I may post the other volumes if:
a) anyone cares.
b) I can be bothered.
Feedback (useful), criticism (constructive), insults (amusing) all welcomed
Erasmus' Guide To Stuff in 4 Volumes.
Volume 2
Those are the creatures and forms living above us spatially. There are others living above us dimensionally. These four dimensional beings are not visible to the human eye as they inhabit four spatial dimensions. They also cannot be touch or be felt by us because they do not inhabit the same quantum vacuum and therefore have no momentum or inertia. These creatures are monkeys.
Or so they appear, they are in fact widdleflips. They can create "shadows" of themselves which are projected into our dimension and are often mistaken for real monkeys. They also have a passion for party-games and coca-cola.
Unbeknown to us they are hired by wealthy sploogles to assassinate whichever human the sploogle has betted will die next. This is a sin in sploogle society and punishable by a torture they have picked up from us blood-thirsty humans. Yes. Status Quo. 12 hours of it (or the sploogle equivalent). Through very large speakers. Needless to say the survival rate of this torture method is low and even those who do survive are scarred both mentally and physically for life. So, obviously, there are few sploogles brave enough to use this method of winning the game.
There is a movement within the sploogle nation which protests the use of such brutal punishment. They believe that punishment by Status Quo is a harsh and out-dated idea and move for lesser measures. Such as punishment by Blink 182. Still harsh, they argue, but not deadly in nearly so many cases.
The Wormholes mentioned earlier have an enemy as well. This creature is known as the Fezslug. The greatest and most powerful Fezslug is named Fezwald*. Fezslugs eat the Wormholes perfectly kept gardens and window boxes. Not just the plants in the gardens and window-boxes, but the garden and window-box itself.
Also they eat the wormholes.
But as wormholes value their horticulture more than their own lives, this is a secondary concern. The wormholes have almost no defence against the quick strikes of the Fezslugs and can only watch helplessly as their gardens are guzzled away and curse the Fezslugs. Their only defence is in creating immense, localized gravitational fluctuations which rip the Fezslugs to shreds. Fezwald is the only Fezslug to survive such an attack; hence his status within what passes for Fezslug society.
* What a coincidence
Oh, the coinicidence is theres a forumite on another forum called Fezwald.
Those are the creatures and forms living above us spatially. There are others living above us dimensionally. These four dimensional beings are not visible to the human eye as they inhabit four spatial dimensions. They also cannot be touch or be felt by us because they do not inhabit the same quantum vacuum and therefore have no momentum or inertia. These creatures are monkeys.
Or so they appear, they are in fact widdleflips. They can create "shadows" of themselves which are projected into our dimension and are often mistaken for real monkeys. They also have a passion for party-games and coca-cola.
Unbeknown to us they are hired by wealthy sploogles to assassinate whichever human the sploogle has betted will die next. This is a sin in sploogle society and punishable by a torture they have picked up from us blood-thirsty humans. Yes. Status Quo. 12 hours of it (or the sploogle equivalent). Through very large speakers. Needless to say the survival rate of this torture method is low and even those who do survive are scarred both mentally and physically for life. So, obviously, there are few sploogles brave enough to use this method of winning the game.
There is a movement within the sploogle nation which protests the use of such brutal punishment. They believe that punishment by Status Quo is a harsh and out-dated idea and move for lesser measures. Such as punishment by Blink 182. Still harsh, they argue, but not deadly in nearly so many cases.
The Wormholes mentioned earlier have an enemy as well. This creature is known as the Fezslug. The greatest and most powerful Fezslug is named Fezwald*. Fezslugs eat the Wormholes perfectly kept gardens and window boxes. Not just the plants in the gardens and window-boxes, but the garden and window-box itself.
Also they eat the wormholes.
But as wormholes value their horticulture more than their own lives, this is a secondary concern. The wormholes have almost no defence against the quick strikes of the Fezslugs and can only watch helplessly as their gardens are guzzled away and curse the Fezslugs. Their only defence is in creating immense, localized gravitational fluctuations which rip the Fezslugs to shreds. Fezwald is the only Fezslug to survive such an attack; hence his status within what passes for Fezslug society.
* What a coincidence
Oh, the coinicidence is theres a forumite on another forum called Fezwald.
-
Magicfinger
- Staff
- Posts: 1078
- Joined: Tue Sep 30, 2003 10:38 am
- Location: here,there and everywhere
yeah, well, f**k it.Freako wrote:you said u would only post more if we liked em. I think the general response is that we dont like them
I like them. And hence:
Volume 3
Everybody knows that the most lovable and kind creatures of creation are the NinKl’flips. NinKl'flips spend their time dancing through space and eating solar wind. They resemble bunnies crossed with fish. They sail the solar winds in search of other races to love and hug. Or rather, they did. Obviously such a stupid race was soon devoured by whatever creature they chose to love and hug and now the entire race is dead, which tells you something about the nature of things.
NinKl’flips has now become almost the only universally understood swear word throughout the universe, and even muttering it in front of any superior race will get you parped, spludg'deed * or in dire cases even mildly Status Quoed (see volume 2)
The word NinkL'flip is the main weapon in the arsenal of the Grucklroot race. This race is small, brown and irritating. They are irritating for a reason. They feed off the brainwaves given off by annoyed, irritated or angered races. To this end they spend their time in seedy space-bars drinking and making insulting comments about anything and everything.
Getting around the universe is difficult. Few races can travel at speeds great enough to get from A to B in less than 1/1000 of a galactic turn. The Yurcks have mastered the technique however. They do this by thinking; very hard, and very fast. They do mathematics at such high speeds that the quantum universe can't keep up and has to collapse onto somewhere else, taking the Yurcks with it. It stands to reason that this is a very intelligent race, but they are not. So much of their brains is taken up with the maths needed that there is little room for anything else. However they have such huge heads, that they other races will often hitch rides by alighting on them, and entire villages and societies live under the hair-canopy on some of the larger specimens.
*This process involves pincers, high voltage direct current and a large damp fish. It's best not to go into the details
This one has quite a few footnotes.
Am working on Volume 5 in 10 second blocks every now and again.
It will be done sooner or later
Volume 4
In this volume it is time to cover a small part of the ecosystem that exists upon the heads of the Yurcks.
The Yurcks, by nature, have no hair upon their huge heads. However, long fibrous creatures have evolved upon their heads. These are called Shlrops. Shlrops burrow their lower system into the Yurck’s head and feed off the immense heat that is generated by the Yurck’s arithmetic. The Yurcks tolerate this intrusion because it keeps their heads protected from radiation and solar wind, and because they are fashion victims and like quiffs*. Quite often Yurcks have tram like attachments on their heads, attached by the industrious sploogles** who make money by selling tickets to other life-forms. Wars can break out over trafficking rights, and it has been known for entire wars to be fought upon a Yurcks head without it even noticing.
Indigenous to the Yurcks head is the Flintle race which lives in small huts built from chopped down Shlrops and pieces of Yurck skin. On most Yurcks they are very basic life-forms, but on those in the sploogle business empire they have become modernized and run gift shops for the visitors. There are some extreme groups who call themselves the Freedom And Retaliation Troup***. They wish for all holdings upon Yurcks heads to be given over to their race. Preferably with vast amounts of Clickentillies as well.
For those who do not know what a Clickentilly is, it is a small woeful creature bred by Bartaggables**** in mints and used as currency/food/pipe cleaners by other races. There is no Save The Clickentilly movement because no-one gives a Polink***** about them, not even them. They are bred to have such massive identity crisis’s that they don’t acknowledge their own existence. They are also massively suicidal, and therefore have to watched closely by their owners as a dead Clickentilly is worth nothing at all
*A Quiff is also a long thin creature that orbits planets, grows until it is a ring totally circling the planet then lives by feeding off its own tail. Scientists are at a loss to explain how they survive doing this.
**See Volumes 1 & 2
***Spot the HILARIOUS joke
****See Volume 5
*****See Volume 5
Am working on Volume 5 in 10 second blocks every now and again.
It will be done sooner or later
Volume 4
In this volume it is time to cover a small part of the ecosystem that exists upon the heads of the Yurcks.
The Yurcks, by nature, have no hair upon their huge heads. However, long fibrous creatures have evolved upon their heads. These are called Shlrops. Shlrops burrow their lower system into the Yurck’s head and feed off the immense heat that is generated by the Yurck’s arithmetic. The Yurcks tolerate this intrusion because it keeps their heads protected from radiation and solar wind, and because they are fashion victims and like quiffs*. Quite often Yurcks have tram like attachments on their heads, attached by the industrious sploogles** who make money by selling tickets to other life-forms. Wars can break out over trafficking rights, and it has been known for entire wars to be fought upon a Yurcks head without it even noticing.
Indigenous to the Yurcks head is the Flintle race which lives in small huts built from chopped down Shlrops and pieces of Yurck skin. On most Yurcks they are very basic life-forms, but on those in the sploogle business empire they have become modernized and run gift shops for the visitors. There are some extreme groups who call themselves the Freedom And Retaliation Troup***. They wish for all holdings upon Yurcks heads to be given over to their race. Preferably with vast amounts of Clickentillies as well.
For those who do not know what a Clickentilly is, it is a small woeful creature bred by Bartaggables**** in mints and used as currency/food/pipe cleaners by other races. There is no Save The Clickentilly movement because no-one gives a Polink***** about them, not even them. They are bred to have such massive identity crisis’s that they don’t acknowledge their own existence. They are also massively suicidal, and therefore have to watched closely by their owners as a dead Clickentilly is worth nothing at all
*A Quiff is also a long thin creature that orbits planets, grows until it is a ring totally circling the planet then lives by feeding off its own tail. Scientists are at a loss to explain how they survive doing this.
**See Volumes 1 & 2
***Spot the HILARIOUS joke
****See Volume 5
*****See Volume 5
anyhoo.
Volume 4.1 – A History Lesson
We now know that there are only five remaining Claranticles and that the race of NinKl'flips is extinct, but how did this come about, and why now is their name considered an insult?
Well, quite simply through gross stupidity; something that every race comes across at some point in their existence. As has been told before the NinKl’flips were horrendously stupid animals that went around the universe hugging the other life-forms. Unfortunately for them they tasted very nice and were eaten a lot, thus reducing their population. But not all creatures are stupid and the Bartaggables, seeing an opportunity to make a profit, quickly captured as many of the creatures as they could and started breeding them, to be sold in McStricknet* fast food.
The Claranticles, being intensely moral and mind-numbingly stupid, formed an army to free the hapless creatures. The Bartaggables hired an army of mercenaries and battle was joined. Many centuries later the remaining six Claranticles won through, stole the remaining NinKl’flips and promptly dropped them onto what the Claranticles thought to be their natural habitat, planets.
The last remaining NinKl’flips burnt up on re-entry. One of the Claranticles, in an act of foolish bravery jumped from their ship to save the poor creatures, and burnt up himself.
Years later the NinKl’flips are remembered as the cause of the greatest galactic war, and as such their name is cursed as the name of the greatest war-mongers the universe has ever known.
*McStricknet is well known for selling anything that could, at one time, have hopped, slithered, walked, flown, crawled, flatulated**, or moved in any way. A very good place as long as you don’t mind the possibility you may be committing cannibalism
**A process involving releasing hot gases at tremendous force to move
Volume 4.1 – A History Lesson
We now know that there are only five remaining Claranticles and that the race of NinKl'flips is extinct, but how did this come about, and why now is their name considered an insult?
Well, quite simply through gross stupidity; something that every race comes across at some point in their existence. As has been told before the NinKl’flips were horrendously stupid animals that went around the universe hugging the other life-forms. Unfortunately for them they tasted very nice and were eaten a lot, thus reducing their population. But not all creatures are stupid and the Bartaggables, seeing an opportunity to make a profit, quickly captured as many of the creatures as they could and started breeding them, to be sold in McStricknet* fast food.
The Claranticles, being intensely moral and mind-numbingly stupid, formed an army to free the hapless creatures. The Bartaggables hired an army of mercenaries and battle was joined. Many centuries later the remaining six Claranticles won through, stole the remaining NinKl’flips and promptly dropped them onto what the Claranticles thought to be their natural habitat, planets.
The last remaining NinKl’flips burnt up on re-entry. One of the Claranticles, in an act of foolish bravery jumped from their ship to save the poor creatures, and burnt up himself.
Years later the NinKl’flips are remembered as the cause of the greatest galactic war, and as such their name is cursed as the name of the greatest war-mongers the universe has ever known.
*McStricknet is well known for selling anything that could, at one time, have hopped, slithered, walked, flown, crawled, flatulated**, or moved in any way. A very good place as long as you don’t mind the possibility you may be committing cannibalism
**A process involving releasing hot gases at tremendous force to move